WAKE UP!!!

As days pass by, I'm getting more worried. Literally, WORRIED....about my studies. Gosh.. I dun understand why I get so tired easily. Super duper auper buper cuper duper euper fuper guper huper iuper juper kuper luper muper nuper ouper puper quper ruper super tuper uuper vuper wuper xuper yuper ZUPER TIRED!!!! Till I dun attend classes. I skip classes. The thought of waking up every morning to go to school, is enough to drain my freaking energy; let alone traveling miles away. By the time I land school, lesson has already ended. So where does motivation play a part? HAIZ... And its not as though the modules are interesting or wadsoever. Irrelevant stuff that I'm learning...those that I won't even be applying in real life. If passion is absent, you wouldn't be keen in wadeva you're doing. This results in poor standards, quality etc.. In a nutshell, you end up suffering and doing things for the SAKE of doing, not for yourself, but for the sake of getting ahead of the next level.


If only attendance is not at all important, I still can make up for the loss...by of course studying at home, because studying in school...Nah, I'd rather do that here. Projects and all...I'm absolutely fine with them..since I've went through hell at one point of time, of complete insanity when all I did was wake up, go to school, do projects, reports till late at night, head back home at 10-11pm, bathe, continue with reports, AND the following day, the damn routine plays again. Having a fucking biased teacher as well, who treated only my group like POISON (for I duno what reason)...who kept targeting and pin pointing at us...who kept rejecting our ideas without even bothering to guide us by telling us wads right or wrong...who ONLY showed liking and enthusiasm in those SMART ALEXES... can you just imagine how bloody sick and tired I was? If I could maneuver through that SHIT, I can survive anywhere else...seriously.


K..now I dun give a damn about whether people judge me based on my level of intellect, my main aim is to get that fucking dip as fast as I can. Whether or not I'm intellectually disabled or I have a fantabulous brain, doesn't concern anyone because you weren't in my shoes. So, your judgement does not bother me.


Yub...coming back to where I was... I get tired easily. So what should I do?

1. Sleep early. ---> I have a problem doing this. I am an owl...k not really one, but I set my own rhythm. And that's the fucking problem! I do things according to whenever I choose to, and I get irritated if people try to bend my routine...whereby I shouldn't be feeling this way...because the world doesn't revolve around me. My body clock is so screwed up! My lunch= Dinner; Dinner=Supper. Well..for morning breakfast...HAHA..it isn't even in my dictionary. Do I even have time to chomp on the bread when I'm busy getting my ass off to school?

2. Time management. ---> In order to sleep early, or within my expected time, I have to manage things well. And what does that mean, I have to do things quick and efficiently. I shouldn't be taking my very own sweet time. I should be active in the day time and less active at night. This is the right way. Actually, I work very well in a stressful environment, where I have to meet many deadlines in a row. Whenever I feel stressed, I feel the need to complete things ASAP, and will strive to do it, even if it means not talking to anyone. But, that is not healthy. I need to have a balance in all.

Haha..I've figured out that supplements have less effectiveness in me. I took energy booster drinks to feel refreshed, but end up tired also. Not only that, I really appreciate my mum who takes the extra effort to get my all sorts of supplements. But mum, nothing helps.. I did yoga..and eventually ceased doing so. I guess I should re-implement things I used to do in life, like exercise. My body feels lighter when I exercise. YES! I ought to do it soon.


Hope I can pull my socks and BUCK UP! Woman, you have to!!!! Dun give up...even if you have the URGE to run to somewhere FARRRRRRRRRRRRRR AWAYYYYY!!!! :)

This shit happens...

I feel like SCREAMING MY LUNGS OUT!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
:'(

Why is it coming back to me all over again? WHY WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYY?? I do not know the reason, but it keeps happening to me!! What sin did I commit to be going through this difficult phase? Not even ONCE have I lived happily! NOT ONCE! Others dun see the real ME! They see the negative side of me; ALL unpleasant views! WHY? Obnoxious bitch, proud, over-confident, cold, stone-hearted---> Words they use to manipulate me! OMG! Wad is wrong with them? Or rather...what is WRONG WITH ME? Why are people so harsh and blunt towards me? AND AGAIN, why can't I just brush against their reckless words with ease, because THEY DUN MAKE ANY SENSE at all!? It is like a slap on my face, as the list of venomous words unwrap. I really pity myself! I'm getting hurt every now and then, as though it is somehow an inevitable journey I've to embark on. I keep tripping over, getting up, tripping over, getting up, and again...trip over! It is very tiring for me!! Aren't those people tired as well? Aren't they sick and tired of hurting a girl till such an unbearable extent! Excruciating pain, fucked up feeling SERIOUSLY! I feel like I'm the most unluckiest person out there, who never fails to be on the list of unpleasant things to be said!!! Please look inside me! I'm crying for someone; a kind soul at least to decipher who I really am. The kind of person who says 'Ignore them. I know who you are..and you dun have to bother about anything else as long as my faith and belief in you stay strong!'

Why wun anyone say that to me? :'(

Everyone sees what I should be, everyone sees me as what I shouldn't be....and they mold me into something that is totally contradictory of ME. Why can't they see what I am? Just because you dun get what you want, or I dun turn out to be someone you had in mind, I become the bad person? I become a bitch? GOSH!! My heart feels like tearing apart. And given the fact that I am a sensitive person, and someone who strives for perfection, it really saddens me whenever I face tragedies like this. My mind is being clouded with so many thoughts....SO MANY THINGS! I worry about the most trivial things. I worry about ME, the way I carry myself out, the kind of impression I portray in front of people, my appearance, the way I eat when I'm with people, the way I talk, the language I use, what I am in life, whether I'm someone inspiring or merely someone who's good for nothing, my knowledge of various things, I WORRY ABOUT EVERY SINGLE SHIT! My main motto: To be classy and not trashy!!! In that way, how do you expect me to remain calm and shrug those words of yours carelessly?


I dun think highly of myself. However, I aspire to be someone of a high position in life. I go for class. Before executing something, I think carefully. The same applies to me, when I'm talking to people. I think before I talk. I put myself in others' shoes to know what plight they're in. Why dun others do that? They shoot arrows at me, without accepting my views; without being open to my perspectives. I listen when people talk. BUT people dun give a hoot about returning the same respect I gave them. They just say whatever they have to say and...poof...DISAPPEAR! Sorry, I duno how you manage to be like that, but I'm taught to be a well-mannered girl even if others disrespect me. I'm not the type of girl who fucks you upside down and embarrass you in public, craving for attention. I believe in something called 'adults'. We solve matters like a gentleman/gentlewoman. Not by stepping on one's heart and being contented to have your piece of mind! Everyone wants to say..everyone wants to talk. But no one bothers to understand, fathom the other party and think why he/she is being like this. NO ONE does that! And I am always the stupidest idiot on earth to pity people...to go back to them no matter what they say..to forgive them. Yes, I rant. Yes, I get angry. But I dun make a big HU-HA! When unhappy, I tell the person off as calmly as I can, so as to avoid tempers flaring. STILL, they get angry & pissed off! Goodness gracious! Am I the one being childish here, or izzit the other way round?


I usually keep things to myself, pour out my feelings here, or bring the matter out in the light to respective people involved. If possible, I wanna solve problems or tiffs ASAP! I dun make a big fuss when someone calls me in the middle of the night, even if I'm sleeping, to share their problems. ON THE OTHER HAND, if I do the same shit, people treat me like trash, saying they have better things to do, apart from talking to the wall! WALL?! Haha...I should be saying that to you..because you only care about yourself. And it's not as though I keep calling you. In fact, it's RARE of me to be even involved in anything. Even then, I keep quiet and tried pacifying you to understand me. But you never did. To you, you were on the upper hand. Therefore, you wouldn't care less about me would you? You accuse me of things I weren't before. You're still accusing me of things I didn't do before. What am I to do tell me?



The kinda life I'm leading is in fact...very complicated! I've never actually gotten what I wished for. AND even if I've gotten hold of it, it can never be mine! This is my life. It is TIRING! I've broken apart many times...broken down, cried my heart out, yet...reality doesn't change. It brings a new problem every now and then. I do not know whether I'm committing a mistake, but I feel happy this way. I feel safe. But, at the end of the day, I'm cheating my very own conscience. Yes, no one can understand what I'm feeling or going through... even the person related to this doesn't know I'm feeling this way! Then what else can I say? To me, it's happiness...security...warmth...that I can never get anywhere else. To others, its something like improper....injustice...disgust. Whatever that seems common to a person, it doesn't feel the same way to another. To you, it's common. To me, it's something special.

This is me. The day I come into terms with myself...the day I feel it's not right anymore.. will be the day I enter yet, another phase of my life. That shall wait. For now, I'm happy with what I have, even if to others, its something inappropriate.



Sincerely,

Dying every day.

Shania Twain - You're Still The One

OMG! FINALLY!! I FOUND THE SONG WHICH I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR OVER A DECADE!!! The last time i heard was when I was about 7-9 years old, watching it on MTV! Yeah...m so happy! :):D

HAPPY 2012!! :D

Wishing ALL OF YOU a very HAPPY NEW YEAR! May 2012 be a smooth-sailing year for everyone out there! Lets begin afresh, viewing life in a new light & perspective, leaving behind hurt, regret, pain, sorrow & tears that we faced the previous year. Negative thoughts shall vanish in the hope of nurturing a brighter future ahead of us. :)

Well..many people might have set themselves new year resolutions. As for me, I don't really do that because (apart from the fact that I'd never fulfill them..hehe) I prefer going with the flow of life. I'm more of the ''BRING IT ON BABY!''- Be it good or bad, as long as my faith in God thrives.


Wadever it is, I pray to be a better person each day, being open to the unknown/ foreign, which I'm learning from different people, faces, experiences, feelings etc, out there. AND most importantly, to be true to myself at the end of every day, without guilt. Nothing else kills besides your very own conscience. If you feel you've committed a mistake (grave, small..), or hurt someone, do not let anything hinder you from saying the word 'sorry'. That word itself could build bridges for a beautiful relationship between you and the person involved. So yea..just apologize BUT mean it from the bottom of your heart. :)


Also, not forgetting THANK YOU! If you have to express your heartfelt gratitude to someone who has done anything for you- (it could be a simple gesture of theirs, however that gesture has captured your heart, or they had been there for you during hard times etc..) forgo your shyness & thank them. Even if they do not expect you to do so, it will make them smile and that is what that matters...to make people smile. :)
After all, it doesn't hurt for anyone to say sorry or thank you!


Haha..OH YA, and whether or not 2012 is gonna be the end of the world, I leave it up to Mother Earth and God. But seriously, I think Mother Earth is on the verge of giving up already. She has indeed contacted Him, complaining that humans are taking her for-granted, indulging in sinful acts. Too many sins committed; too many sexual acts occurring...people cheat. Nowadays, cheating and betrayal is way too common till they're on the ''Forgivable'' list! Haha.. That is why (I DUN TRUST ANYONE) & God has decided to wipe out everyone to replenish the good ones! HEHEHE...*evil laughter* :P


Oh wells... whether or not its true, nothing is within our reach. All we can do is to live life the way it is. Life still goes on dude...(but not after world's end)!

Okok enough of all this negativity. Once again, a fresh new year, a fresh new start.
Those you were unable to fulfill last year, DO it this year. Experience things. Live life.

Cheers,
SweeTpoiSoNbLeeDing