I feel like SCREAMING MY LUNGS OUT!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
:'(
Why is it coming back to me all over again? WHY WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYY?? I do not know the reason, but it keeps happening to me!! What sin did I commit to be going through this difficult phase? Not even ONCE have I lived happily! NOT ONCE! Others dun see the real ME! They see the negative side of me; ALL unpleasant views! WHY? Obnoxious bitch, proud, over-confident, cold, stone-hearted---> Words they use to manipulate me! OMG! Wad is wrong with them? Or rather...what is WRONG WITH ME? Why are people so harsh and blunt towards me? AND AGAIN, why can't I just brush against their reckless words with ease, because THEY DUN MAKE ANY SENSE at all!? It is like a slap on my face, as the list of venomous words unwrap. I really pity myself! I'm getting hurt every now and then, as though it is somehow an inevitable journey I've to embark on. I keep tripping over, getting up, tripping over, getting up, and again...trip over! It is very tiring for me!! Aren't those people tired as well? Aren't they sick and tired of hurting a girl till such an unbearable extent! Excruciating pain, fucked up feeling SERIOUSLY! I feel like I'm the most unluckiest person out there, who never fails to be on the list of unpleasant things to be said!!! Please look inside me! I'm crying for someone; a kind soul at least to decipher who I really am. The kind of person who says 'Ignore them. I know who you are..and you dun have to bother about anything else as long as my faith and belief in you stay strong!'
Why wun anyone say that to me? :'(
Everyone sees what I should be, everyone sees me as what I shouldn't be....and they mold me into something that is totally contradictory of ME. Why can't they see what I am? Just because you dun get what you want, or I dun turn out to be someone you had in mind, I become the bad person? I become a bitch? GOSH!! My heart feels like tearing apart. And given the fact that I am a sensitive person, and someone who strives for perfection, it really saddens me whenever I face tragedies like this. My mind is being clouded with so many thoughts....SO MANY THINGS! I worry about the most trivial things. I worry about ME, the way I carry myself out, the kind of impression I portray in front of people, my appearance, the way I eat when I'm with people, the way I talk, the language I use, what I am in life, whether I'm someone inspiring or merely someone who's good for nothing, my knowledge of various things, I WORRY ABOUT EVERY SINGLE SHIT! My main motto: To be classy and not trashy!!! In that way, how do you expect me to remain calm and shrug those words of yours carelessly?
I dun think highly of myself. However, I aspire to be someone of a high position in life. I go for class. Before executing something, I think carefully. The same applies to me, when I'm talking to people. I think before I talk. I put myself in others' shoes to know what plight they're in. Why dun others do that? They shoot arrows at me, without accepting my views; without being open to my perspectives. I listen when people talk. BUT people dun give a hoot about returning the same respect I gave them. They just say whatever they have to say and...poof...DISAPPEAR! Sorry, I duno how you manage to be like that, but I'm taught to be a well-mannered girl even if others disrespect me. I'm not the type of girl who fucks you upside down and embarrass you in public, craving for attention. I believe in something called 'adults'. We solve matters like a gentleman/gentlewoman. Not by stepping on one's heart and being contented to have your piece of mind! Everyone wants to say..everyone wants to talk. But no one bothers to understand, fathom the other party and think why he/she is being like this. NO ONE does that! And I am always the stupidest idiot on earth to pity people...to go back to them no matter what they say..to forgive them. Yes, I rant. Yes, I get angry. But I dun make a big HU-HA! When unhappy, I tell the person off as calmly as I can, so as to avoid tempers flaring. STILL, they get angry & pissed off! Goodness gracious! Am I the one being childish here, or izzit the other way round?
I usually keep things to myself, pour out my feelings here, or bring the matter out in the light to respective people involved. If possible, I wanna solve problems or tiffs ASAP! I dun make a big fuss when someone calls me in the middle of the night, even if I'm sleeping, to share their problems. ON THE OTHER HAND, if I do the same shit, people treat me like trash, saying they have better things to do, apart from talking to the wall! WALL?! Haha...I should be saying that to you..because you only care about yourself. And it's not as though I keep calling you. In fact, it's RARE of me to be even involved in anything. Even then, I keep quiet and tried pacifying you to understand me. But you never did. To you, you were on the upper hand. Therefore, you wouldn't care less about me would you? You accuse me of things I weren't before. You're still accusing me of things I didn't do before. What am I to do tell me?
The kinda life I'm leading is in fact...very complicated! I've never actually gotten what I wished for. AND even if I've gotten hold of it, it can never be mine! This is my life. It is TIRING! I've broken apart many times...broken down, cried my heart out, yet...reality doesn't change. It brings a new problem every now and then. I do not know whether I'm committing a mistake, but I feel happy this way. I feel safe. But, at the end of the day, I'm cheating my very own conscience. Yes, no one can understand what I'm feeling or going through... even the person related to this doesn't know I'm feeling this way! Then what else can I say? To me, it's happiness...security...warmth...that I can never get anywhere else. To others, its something like improper....injustice...disgust. Whatever that seems common to a person, it doesn't feel the same way to another. To you, it's common. To me, it's something special.
This is me. The day I come into terms with myself...the day I feel it's not right anymore.. will be the day I enter yet, another phase of my life. That shall wait. For now, I'm happy with what I have, even if to others, its something inappropriate.
Sincerely,
Dying every day.
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